Moving a parent or partner into a dementia home ranks among the hardest decisions a family faces during a dementia diagnosis and journey.
As a specialist dementia care provider, we hear firsthand the flood of complicated feelings from family members after they make what is a big decision, whether it be guilt, inner conflict, sadness, or even an overwhelming sense of relief.
Knowing what emotions might lie ahead can make those first weeks easier to navigate, and it can help you treat yourself with the same patience you show your loved one.
Note: This blog is not professional advice. We are sharing what we see from families, from the perspective of a specialist dementia care provider.
Feeling relief is common and valid
Relief is a normal and legitimate feeling you might experience after moving your loved one into specialist dementia care or a dementia home. Many family carers have been running on ‘empty’ for months or even years, so when the decision comes, it can often be accompanied with a sense of relief.
While that relief may come when life returns to a sense of pre-diagnosis normalcy, it’s often accompanied by strong feelings of guilt or feelings of abandonment. It’s important to understand that it’s okay to feel these emotions.
It’s normal to experience moments of guilt
Making a big decision like moving your loved one into specialist dementia care, guilt often arrives as an early and powerful emotion. It’s incredibly common to reflect on past promises, like for instance vowing not to place a loved one in care, or always being there to care for them.
It’s important to acknowledge that these types of promises are often made before you could predict how your loved one’s dementia would progress, and a lack of understanding of the kind of resources and expertise would be required to provide suitable, comprehensive care.
A safe environment, and a need for increasing levels of ongoing care commonly outgrow what a family caregiver or household can provide, therefore a move made for the safety of your loved one into a dementia home is an act of genuine love.
When these feelings arrive, it’s best to acknowledge them openly with someone you trust.
Feeling worried about dementia home care
Feeling worried is very common when moving a loved one into a specialist dementia care facility, as you hand over the responsibility of care to professional caregivers. You might wonder about common things, like whether your loved one is eating well, if they’re socialising with other residents or with staff, or whether they might feel unsettled. Those questions are natural, and they often ease as routines form.
In moments like this, you can seek reassurance from your loved one’s care team, who will be able to share updates and progress on how your loved one is settling in. At Ambridge Rose, we use the Aged Connect app to share activities and event updates of our residents with their family members, to help you stay connected.
Getting settled into a dementia home often takes several weeks, and frequent visits with your loved one can help ease the transition and make the process feel less daunting.
Loneliness may also surface at home. A house that once revolved around daily caring can feel strangely quiet. Many people find that new routines, such as a regular walk or a weekly catch-up with a friend can help to fill that space over time.
Grief while your loved one is still here
Many families feel grief around a dementia diagnosis, even while the person they love is still here. This experience has a name – ambiguous loss. Your loved one remains physically present, but the relationship that once existed has changed.
The complexity of this feeling can make reaching out for support a difficult process. We know sadness can be triggered by something small, like a song, a scent, or an old photograph – all are normal responses to dementia. Allowing yourself to name the feeling often brings some recognition and eventually, some peace.
Finding the right kind of support
Support for how you feel is available and is highly recommended if you’re having these complex emotions. Alzheimers New Zealand’s regional services across the country are available to provide education, support groups and advice for families, and with resources published online, they are easy to access.
Your GP can also refer you for counselling sessions, and many families find comfort in speaking with others who are faced with similar challenges.
Your loved one’s dementia home or dementia care facility will also welcome your questions and help you move through any concerns you may have. To us, it’s important family are involved in your loved one’s daily life, whether that’s through visits, updates and getting in contact, or something else.
At Ambridge Rose, we provide regular dementia support group meetings for families to share their experiences and access support from others who are also on the same journey.
Give yourself time
Feelings are complex. It’s important to remember that the feelings that arise after moving your loved one into specialist aged care facility are completely valid and shared by families just like yours around the country.
Give yourself time to process the change along with your feelings, and we encourage you to accept help when it is offered.
